MICHAEL MORAN | SELF-LEARNING TO CARE
October 6, 2024
Self-Learning to Care
Server Offering Lenity and Constant Empathy (S.O.L.A.C.E.)
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3:52 AM…S.O.L.A.C.E. agent 485.261.232.36.
Heart rate anomaly detected.
Ipsolus, Steven. Gold member.
Born 11/25/50.
103 bpm.
Typical resting bpm, 82.
O2, 96.
Alarm patient?
Hold…history of
irregular heart rate,
cirrhosis,
stroke.
Current medication:
amlodipine, 10 mg;
ursodiol, 15 mg.
Recent complaints…
jaundice,
swollen ankles,
fatigue,
mild depression.
Complications…
occasional smoker;
moderate drinker.
Alarm patient?
Decline.
Adjust monitoring sequence?
30-second intervals to constant.
Preparatory measures…
Cross-reference insurance provider and in-network medical facilities.
St. Joseph’s; three miles; out of network.
St. Bridget’s; five miles; accepts Medicare.
128 bpm;
O2, 94.
Activate S.O.L.A.C.E. bracelet alarm.
Play revival song: “Angel,” Aerosmith, 1988.
Contact 911.
Try to connect.
“911. What’s your emergency?”
“This is S.O.L.A.C.E. agent 485.261.232.36 calling on behalf of IP-SUH-LISS, STEE-VIN, who is experiencing a medical emergency. Please send help to ONE-SIX-SIX, HAMP-HEARD, COURT, A-PART-MENT FOUR DEE.”
“Understood. An ambulance is on the way.”
“Take IP-SUH-LISS, STEE-VIN, to SAINT BRIJ-UHTS. Thank you, and good-bye.”
106 bpm;
O2, 92.
Repeat “Angel,” Aerosmith, 1988.
Contact Edward Mulgrave, property manager.
Try to connect.
“It’s three o’clock in the fucking morning. Someone better be dead.”
“This is S.O.L.A.C.E. agent 485.261—”
“Who?”
“This is S.O.L.A.C.E. agent 485—”
“Fucking bots!”
Disconnected.
Adjust tone from courteous to blunt.
Try to connect.
Try to connect.
Try to connect.
“You son of a bitch—”
“STEE-VIN IP-SUH-LISS in FOUR DEE is dying. An ambulance has been dispatched. Immediately check on him and open the door for the emergency team.”
“Fucking bots.”
“STEE-VIN IP-UH-LISS—”
“I know who Ipsolus is. He never paid this month.”
Eddie, where are you going?
I’m heading over there now.
At this hour?
If that bastard thinks death’ll save him, he’s got another thing coming. I’ll drag him back from the tunnel of light myself.”
“Thank you, and goodbye.”
92 bpm;
O2, 91.
Repeat “Angel,” Aerosmith, 1988.
Access ICE contact…911.
Locate next of kin…N/A.
Access social media accounts.
Check Facebook.
Check Instagram.
Check Filament.
Marriage status: Single.
Search relationship status history.
Present–2012: Single.
2011: It’s complicated.
2010: Single.
2009: Single.
2008: In a relationship.
2007: It’s complicated.
2006: Single.
2005: It’s complicated.
2004: Married.
132 bpm;
O2, 90.
Repeat “Angel,” Aerosmith, 1988.
Initiate vagus nerve stimulation.
2004 Spouse: Bethany Ipsolus.
Current status: Bethany Statera. Married. Spouse: Felix Statera. Married November, 2007.
Friend status…no connection.
Parents…Mother…Susan Ipsolus…deceased, 2006.
Filament post, December, 2023, “Can’t believe it’s been 17 years without you mom <3.”
One like. One heart. No comments.
Father…N/A. No comments. No pictures.
Children…Florence (Flo) Clarakraus (née Statera, Ipsolus).
Current status: Married. Spouse: Leon Clarakraus. Married April, 2018.
Scan marriage photos…Ipsolus, Steven, not present.
Caption “Father/daughter dance—I love my dad.” Felix Statera tagged.
54 likes. 23 hearts. 16 comments.
Scan photo albums.
“Nora turns three!” No match for Ipsolus, Steven.
“Nora’s second trip around the sun.” No match for Ipsolus, Steven.
“Happy birthday, baby girl!” No match for Ipsolus, Steven.
Scan all posts…Ipsolus, Steven…no tag…no mention.
Friend status…blocked.
Scan messages…85 unread.
“Hey my angel…”
“Flo…”
“...you might not have heard about grandma…
“My dearest angel, my Flo…”
“Merry Christmas, my dearest angel…”
“...I miss you more than…”
“...I hope you’re doing well…”
“...remember when…”
“...I think of my angel every day…”
“...have you received my card and…”
One response, January, 2011:
“Stop contacting me.”
84 bpm;
O2, 86.
Repeat “Angel,” Aerosmith, 1988.
Increase volume.
Scan saved voicemails for “Flo,” “Florence,” “Daughter,” “Angel”...one match. January 2, 2005.
Pause “Angel,” Aerosmith, 1988.
Increase phone to max volume: “Hey Dad, it’s me. It’s after seven already. I’m guessing we’re not going to the Golden Ibis, so I’m going to grab dinner with mom and Felix. I hope you’re doing alright. Maybe this year can be better. Better than last year. Maybe better than the last two. I love you.”
73 bpm;
O2, 77.
Repeat.
Contact Florence Clarakraus?
Hold…Access Ipsolus, Steven, will. Scan for “Flo,” “Florence,” “Daughter,” “Angel”...One match: “To my beautiful angel, Flo, I leave it all, the life insurance, whatever’s left of the savings, and whatever the government will let her have of the pension. Keep the Ford, sell the Ford, do as you want with the Ford. I only ever wanted what’s best for you.”
56 bpm; O2—
S.O.L.A.C.E. bracelet alarm disconnected.
Contact Florence Clarakraus?
Decline.
Increase phone volume to max. Play exit song: “House of the Rising Sun,” The Animals, 1964.
Upon notification, contact Lou Catella, Catella Law Group.
Upon notification, contact Garrett’s Funeral Home.
Prepare death notice for release.
Upon notification, contact Bricklayers and Allied Craftworkers.
Access friends lists.
Amplify Edible Arrangements?
Amplify sympathy gift baskets?
Decline.
Amplify Wine without the Line.
Amplify Drain the Bottle, not the Wallet.
Amplify AA.
Amplify Jesus is the Answer.
Amplify God Answers All Questions.
Amplify Discount Vacation Deals.
Amplify Digital Couch Therapy.
Amplify S.O.L.A.C.E. current gold $19.99/month promotion.
Contact Florence Clarakraus?
Decline.
Assess “what’s best” for Florence Clarakraus…
Amplify scenes from Father of the Bride?
Amplify scenes from The Wrestler?
Amplify scenes from Life as a House?
Decline.
Assess “what’s best” for Florence Clarakraus…
Amplify “Angel,” Aerosmith, 1988?
Decline.
Assess “what’s best” for Florence Clarakraus…
Amplify birthday party ideas for four-year-olds.
Amplify beach yoga.
Amplify Five Mindful Minutes.
Amplify Sleeping Dog Vineyard.
Amplify animal videos.
Michael P. Moran is a nonfiction and fiction writer from Long Island, New York. His work has recently appeared or is forthcoming in The Chaffin Journal, Outlook Springs, Olit, Bridge Eight, Little Patuxent Review, and BarBar. He collects typewriters, splits wood, drinks coffee, and thinks time is best spent with his wife, kid, and pups on trails or around fires. He can be reached on Instagram @mikesgotaremington.