JILLIAN VAN HEFTY
Fourth-Grade Book Report:
The Five Useless Love Languages
My 4th-grade book report is about The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman. I chose it because my favorite number is five. I looked for other books with that in the title but could only find Slaughterhouse-Five by Kurt Vonnegut, which sounded super boring and lame and, worst of all, OLD. Also, it seemed inappropriate for a vegan, which I am usually, except when it comes to Chick-fil-A.
This book was on The New York Times Bestseller list for over ten years, which I have to admit is pretty sick. It is hard to imagine anything being so popular unless your video goes viral on TikTok.
SO!!! The Five Love Languages isn’t about real languages like the ones Babbel advertises all the time, so people don’t end up on Locked Up Abroad. In this book, “language” means the communication style used to stay connected to someone you don’t hate. There are five love languages: quality time, words of affirmation, gifts, physical touch, and acts of service.
“Quality time” means being pressured into spending your day with someone when you would rather do more important stuff alone. A good example of this is cruise ship commercials. Sure, the couples look like they’re having fun, but I bet a million dollars she’d prefer to have a staycation watching serial killer documentaries wearing her comfy pajamas instead of walking on a beach wearing stupid high heels and a cheap cocktail dress from Forever 21.
“Words of affirmation” is saying nice things to someone when you really want to rip their face off. A lot of the time, the words are big fat lies, too! Last night, my dad told me, “You are way cooler than Taylor Swift,” (IMPOSSIBLE!!!!!) and “I know you are capable of getting an ‘A’ in math if only you applied yourself.” (ALSO IMPOSSIBLE!!!!! Long division is soooooo hard!!!!!😫)
“Gifts” is giving useless junk to someone who doesn’t think it’s useless junk. Free shipping on Amazon Prime makes it easy for this to happen.
“Physical touch” includes kissing and hugging and other gross things I will learn about next year in 5th-grade health class. It could also mean cuddling or holding hands during a movie, even if it isn’t a scary part.
“Acts of service” is being guilt-tripped into doing work you really don’t want to do for someone who doesn’t even deserve it. For instance, tonight, my mom is making her bussin enchiladas for her mother-in-law (my Memaw 👵🏻), even though Memaw always jabbers on and on about my dad’s old girlfriend who was super cringe and now runs a semi-successful Only Fans page.
I recommend this book to everyone because it teaches you how to have a halfway decent relationship with someone, even if they are needy, insecure, greedy, desperate, and demanding. But personally, I think there is only one true love language, and that is ice cream.
Jillian Van Hefty lives nestled in the woods in Northwest Arkansas with her family and emotional support Keurig. She enjoys making soup, exploring waterfalls, practicing calligraphy, and zipping past slow people on her E-bike. Her work has appeared in the award-winning book, Sisters! Bonded by Love and Laughter; Points in Case; Jumpkick; Crime Junkie Podcast; The Spoof; Her View from Home; University of Dayton blog; Love What Matters; Haute Dish Literary Journal; Prometheus Dreaming; Eat, Darling, Eat; and the Minnesota Women’s Press, and her mother’s refrigerator.