ELENA ENDER

(Bad) Daily Horoscopes

Aries: When the rain falls down and wakes your dreams, when it washes away your sanity, and you want to hear the thunder, you want to scream: just come clean.

• 2, 45, 66, 90

Taurus: Gimme a break!

• 9, 67, 444

Gemini: The dates in the calendar aren’t the dates in your mind. Give in to the rat race.

• 28, 30, 100, 1,000

Cancer: Given what you know, would you want to go back to the very first time you made a mistake and tell your old self to grow the hell up? Or would you devise a plan to kidnap and replace them in that timeline and live from that point on?

• 44, 45, 46, 47, 48, 49

Leo: If every tree in the forest adored you, would their serenades to you even make a sound? Or would it finally drown out the voice in your head saying you’re nothing without their love?

• 6, 9, 34, 57

Virgo: Click on the link on the ad for that gadget. Download a virus. You will be free from this prison sooner or later.

• 3, 4, 79

Libra: Grant everyone the freedom to make their own wrong decisions. Don’t show them who’s boss; show them who’s an idiot. (It’s them.)

• 66, 888, 1,000,000

Scorpio: Given every possible outcome of you giving yourself some slack, do you think it’s really likely for the worst thing to be the one that happens? Show your work.

• 555, 666, 777, 888

Sagittarius: We are simple creatures. Hand yourself a sandwich across the deli counter and say, “What a nice day we’re having,” and “How ‘bout those Mets?”

• 22, 27, 29, 79, 99

Capricorn: They say that the only permission you need is your own. What does that mean to you? What does that mean? Are you sure about that?

• 14, 58, 98.6

Aquarius: Do you have a moment to talk about our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ?

• 316

Pisces: Over the course of your life, you will discover the magic of community and openness. You will likely not utilize it to its greatest potential, but you’ll wave, nod, or give it a toothless grin as you pass it on your neighborhood walk.

• 2, 13, 46, 88

Elena Ender is a West Coast writer and editor. She spends her time writing snarky fiction, listening to the latest wave of riot grrrl music, and driving around the streets of Portland, OR. Her debut chapbook, Still Alive, I’m Afraid., is available now thanks to Bullshit Lit. You can find her online as: @elena_ender.