DELIBERATE DISPLAYS OF UNEASE - HALLIE FOGARTY
February 14, 2025
Deliberate Displays of Unease
I’m trying to get into a life of hedonism
but I honestly skew more towards prude
when it comes to vibes, not that I want to,
and the most virgo thing about me is the
fact that I didn’t buy my first vibrator until
I had done multiple years of research and I
ended up buying a $165 one, light pink
and the new technology, clitoral suction,
and still the first time I used it I felt nothing,
felt like my clitoris was broken, but now I
use it religiously, can finish in three minutes
or less, except for the times it takes me 40
minutes, which my sex therapist best friend
says is not my body’s fault, and I’m always
torn between my mind and my body but
lately I’ve been trying to take my body’s side
because frankly my mind has taken up enough
of my time and space and mental energy and
maybe I’m not just my body but I’m surely
not just my mind, either, and honestly I’ve
been looking to be a little objectified, recently,
‘cuz growing up fat meant I never really felt
beautiful or wanted, especially by men, which
until recently I wasn’t even sure I really wanted,
and maybe it’s shallow but all I really want is to
be called beautiful and have that person believe
it, have myself believe it, but I also want to be
called hot and to feel hot, and I had this conversation
with someone once about Chappell Roan’s “HOT
TO GO” lyrics call me hot, not pretty and we
must have had different wounds because I
related to the lyric, am unendingly used to being
called cute or adorable and frankly rarely even
pretty but that’s the most heated a compliment
towards me would ever get, but he said that all
he wanted was for someone to think he was pretty,
and he was, is, but must’ve been sexualized and
socialized in a way to think that all someone wanted
from him was his body when I’ve never felt like
anyone wanted my body, and no, objectification
shouldn’t be my goal but when the societal standard
is skinny and thin and beautiful it’s hard not to
feel that pressure, that desire for something I shouldn’t
need, and lately I’ve been pondering if I even know
what I need, what I want, or if all this wanting
I’ve been doing is a performance in and of itself,
because no emotion I feel really feels complete until
I have someone on the outside to witness it, to
bring it to fruition, like how beautiful can I look
when I’m suffering, when I cry, and honestly lately
I’ve been wondering if I really want anything from
anyone or if I want to be alone, wondering if I just
have high standards or if I even want a relationship
and the idea of being aromantic terrifies me completely
because even though I’ve never been a hopeless romantic
I still have always liked the idea of coming home to
someone, of the big finale scene in the romcom, like
the proposal in While You Were Sleeping with all the
family smiling at Sandra Bullock through thick fogged
glass, and Bill Pullman’s quiet smile just waiting to take
her away and fulfill her life’s fantasies, whisk her away
to Italy, and I think frankly I’m too caught up in the
gay version of gender roles to really identify what I want,
like I love butches but do I want them to order my food
for me, open every door, and there aren’t even enough
butches in Northern Kentucky for me to try dating
one, because I’ve always only loved them in theory,
and frankly that’s what life feels like, doing everything
only in theory, and most of the time life doesn’t even
seem worth half the effort it takes to survive it.
Hallie Fogarty is a poet, teacher, and artist from Kentucky. She received her MFA in poetry from Miami University, where she was awarded the 2024 Jordan-Goodman Graduate Award for Poetry. Her work has been published or is forthcoming in Poetry South, The Lindenwood Review, Hoxie Gorge Review, and elsewhere. Besides writing, she loves cardigans, dogs, and everything peach-flavored. Find her online: www.halliefogarty.com