BONE-IN HOT DOGS - SETH ALLEN
February 14, 2025
Terrible Pitch: Bone-In Hot Dogs
Close your eyes: imagine you are hosting the perfect barbecue.
Feel the warm sun, now the cool breeze. Everyone is here, it’s the perfect blend of friends, enemies, and potential lovers. So many compliments on your playlist. “How do you keep the drinks this cold?” says your friend Chris, “You must buy that premium ice, ha ha!” Chris’s joke doesn’t really make sense but everyone laughs because the vibes are that immaculate.
Then you, Vibes God, lift the cover of your hot, sweating, curvaceous grill. A plume of smoke rises, sending the scent of perfectly cooked meat (or vegan meat) dancing across the yard. A hush falls over the crowd, everyone looks at you with anticipation. You grab your tongs (oh, how they gleam) and select a perfectly cooked wiener from the grill. You lift this dog proudly to the sky and proclaim, “Dogs are ready!”
Instead of applause, you hear gasps. Not good gasps, bad gasps. They’re looking at the weiner, and you notice right away how it hangs completely limp in your once proud tongs. Disappointing, unappealing, flaccid humiliation.
Your enemies begin whispering to your potential lovers, and now they’re all laughing at you. Your friends are gone. Chris is dead (suspected suicide). Forever.
Good news: It doesn’t have to be this way. You have time right now to invest in a better future. The future of Bone-In Hotdogs. That’s right, a hot dog with a bone in it. Grill with the confidence you deserve, knowing your dogs will always rise to the occasion, fully torqued, just completely bricked up. It’s juicier, too!
Market testing confirms high demand for our bone-in dogs. We placed a Facebook ad showing a standard limp dog next to one of our bone-in prototypes, with the simple tagline “GET BONED UP NOW,” and received millions of clicks in seconds. Our simple, straight-to-the-point ad was so popular, Facebook removed it and suspended our account. We will not be stopped.
We are looking for partners to invest several million dollars, or whatever you have on you right now, in developing the technology needed to scale our proprietary bone insertion process. Please don’t ask how we do it. Don’t ask what type of bones we use, or where we get them, or how. Seriously, we’ll never tell! What matters is that the perfect barbecue you imagined is finally here. The world is ready. Are you?
Seth Allen is a comedian in Portland, Oregon. He performs at Helium Comedy Club and at festivals including Bumbershoot, Treefort, Pickathon, and SF Sketchfest. He co-hosts a weekly podcast called The Washed Men.